Paradox in Life

On my 41st birthday, I didnt think my life would be where it was today. You see 34 days ago my life changed from what I thought I knew to something completely different. I was involved in a very bad car accident resulting in hospital stay, a traumatic brain injury, concussion with amnesia, lack of arm strength, a bulging disc, severe neck pain, and of course the emotional fucking trauma I cant seem to get rid of.

I have lost the last 5 years of my life from this amnesia and it has not been easy. I have glimpses of memories here and there, but even then I don’t know if they are really memories or something I have made up in my head. I missed so much of my children’s lives. I’m just glad I didn’t miss my daughters graduation. The way my car looks I should have died, but here I am with no broken bones, just a broken heart and mind.

I’ve seen so much trauma lately in the world, that I can’t even begin to understand the pain and agony everyone else in life is going through. Mine seems pretty easy compared to others, but it’s not. Everyone has different pain and just because one pain might not seem as bad, doesn’t mean it is not. How would you like to wake up to older children, a husband you had no idea you had, and a house you don’t recognize? Some people say, well at least she didn’t wake up in a trailer park or somewhere horrible. Of course I didn’t because that is not what I chose to become or live like. We all make choices in life, but I did not make the choice to be in an accident, just like the people who have been murdered, raped, abused, shot at, etc. So no matter what pain anyone is going through, it is pain. One person’s pain isn’t any better than anyone else’s. So I hope in some way my story can maybe help you through your pain as well.

I have pushed so many people away and even the one’s I tried they have remained my friends and family, because they know one day I will get out of my head and get better. Even if I don’t ever get those memories back, I am still me, just a different version of me. As I try to find myself I have been journaling and now feel the need to share this part of my life with you all.

I want to thank all the people who have been there for me from the beginning. From the meal trains, gift cards, people stopping by, taking me out, reaching out, and the people that no matter how bitchy or crazy I was, stayed in my life. Like my counselor told me, “your life will never be like it once was, and that maybe this accident woke me up to what my purpose in life truly is.” He sure was right, my life won’t ever be the same.